Match Report

The pre match talking point was all about the Russian Rocket ... rumours around Leigh Miners Club were all about Malcolm Rumsey aka Malkovitch Rumsey-Korsakov ... someone had claimed he had links with the Russian secret service ... some said he was a Colonel in the KGB ... but it turned out he was a friend of the Colonel at KFC.

Visitors Rainford Smash selected the usual suspects ... Scamperer, Dazla and Mighty Joe.  Slayers captain (Scotty Crielly) was injured so they fielded Rumsey-Korsakov, Dave Morris-Dancer and Big Adam.  Just for clarity this isn’t last seasons Big Adam ... this is last season’s Little Adam ... except this year he’s outgrown five school uniforms and I expect him to have a full beard next time we play.

Mighty Joe kicked off proceedings with a straight sets win against Rumsey-Korsakov ... followed by Scamperer beating Morris Dancer Dave 3-1 ... so when Dazla beat Big Adam in the third the Smash boys were riding high. Played three, won three.

Morris Dancer stopped the rot by dispatching Mighty Joe 3-0 ... all the big hits were now going on and he was a different player.  In the meantime Malkovitch Rumsey-Korsakov had popped down to the Leeds/Liverpool canal where his soviet submarine was anchored ... he returned just in time to take a beating from Dazla.  And when the Smash boys won the doubles they were doing what’s known in Wigan League as “doing a Geoff Pye” ... cruising.

Things improved for Slayers when Big Adam played his big shots and beat Scamperer ... then Dazla and Morris Dancer had a cracking five setter ... Morris Dancer found his big hits in the 3rd and 4th ... and then misplaced them in the 5th ... Dazla the eventual winner.

In the penultimate game Big Adam cleverly moved Mighty Joe around the table to win in three ... Slayers were back in the game ... last match Scamperer v Rumsey-Korsakov ... up periscope and they were off ... a straight sets win to Scamperer looking odds on at 10-1 ... but Scamperer found a great big laurel, the biggest laurel imaginable and rested on it ... suddenly it was 10-10 ... and then Rumsey Korsakov takes it 16-14 ... Scamperer’s water bottle was immediately sent away for polonium testing ... in the blink of an eye it was 2-2 ... it was all going the shape of a pear for Scamperer ... so he dipped into his Lance Armstrong goody bag ... took a legal but ethically improper substance ... and won in five.  21-17 to Smash on the night ... Dazla man of the match.

Vladimir Putin called the Five Live phone-in and had this to say “Rumsey-Korsakov is my brother ... we are brothers in arms” ... Theresa May was straight onto this “there is a remarkable similarity ... we will do some blood tests and expel him if the results confirm him as Vladimir Putins brother”. So there you have it ... the Russian Rocket, Colonel Malcovitch Rumsey-Korsakov is potentially an an agent of the KFC and brother of Vladimir Putin. You heard it here first folks.

And whilst we all had our ears pressed firmly against our transistor radios listening to this drama unfold Mighty Joe had nipped down to the Leeds/Liverpool canal and driven home in Rumsey-Korsakovs submarine.
Written by:David Mawdesley
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