Division 1 > Match Card
Home Player Away Player Games Score
7-11 8-11 8-11 0-1
5-11 6-11 11-13 0-1
13-11 5-11 12-10 2-11 11-7 1-0
11-9 11-8 9-11 13-11 1-0
7-11 9-11 6-11 0-1
7-11 5-11 11-9 8-11 0-1
10-12 5-11 5-11 0-1
11-8 11-7 11-8 1-0
7-11 5-11 7-11 0-1
3-11 8-11 2-11 0-1
Submitted By: David Unwin :: Approved By: David Unwin :: Completed By: David Unwin 3 - 7

Match Report

So, with Sir Jeffrey of Yaxley WhatsApp’ing from Heathrow Airport, apparently on a Crusade of his own to a land of mountains and snow, to ask if I would deputise for him in our tussle with Vulcans, and with the aside “and we have to do a match report”, I decided to write the report as if Sir Jeffrey was watching the match from a secret vantage point in his professional capacity with no knowledge of the game.

“Following a lead from one of my trusted informants that there was to be warfare between a gang of Crusaders and Vulcans at a local educational establishment, I arrived at the said establishment (King Edward VI School) early to find somewhere I could hide to observe what was to unfold. Seeing a raised dais and a screen at the end of what I took to be the battleground, I hid behind the screen and found a suitable crack from whence I could observe events unseen. I had my notebook and pencil ready and put my truncheon and whistle close in case they were required.

The first protagonists to arrive set up their battlefield at the far end of the hall and from listening to their conversation ascertained that these were gangs of Saxons and Vikings. Now this sounded like a more obvious source of warfare but on listening closely I discovered that this was an internal battle for supremacy and unlikely to end in violence as the Saxons had had the upper hand all the warfare season. Additionally, the Vikings appeared to be somewhat disjointed and hampered by absence and injury. So, I continued my wait.

Soon after I couldn’t believe my eyes as in walked Knave John of the Muddy Waters. Knave John, a well-known rogue and cad, had been a gang member of various similar gangs across East Anglia since his teenage years. So, he was now on my patch!
Knave John prepared his gang’s battlefield. Still unconvinced of the seriousness of this battle I mused as to whether the Vulcans were a gang from an alien planet or had connections with a venerable aircraft. I looked up and suddenly realised that things could get tasty after all as in came Baron Paul of Ickworth, locally known as Paul "the Shepherd” Seabrook. We had circumstantial evidence that Baron Paul was more than “just a shepherd” as he claimed, and had been heavily involved in the wool “trade” and other nefarious livestock activities. We just needed the evidence.

Baron Paul and Knave John then pulled out some black and red paddles and proceeded to hit a white spherical object at each other on the green battlefield. This I took to be the object they would be smashing at the Vulcans if and when they arrived as it was now some twenty minutes after the time I had been advised the battle would commence. Knave John and Baron Paul then decided a second battlefield would be needed and that, as their other gang member had not arrived, they needed to contact her. Whilst this was going on, in walked another face well-known to us, Group Captain “Flash” Gordon Meadows. The alien planet theory was now firmly removed from my mind. As none of the other Vulcans had appeared they decided to start the battle with Baron Paul taking on “Flash” Gordon. This resulted a comfortable victory for the “Flash” with Baron Paul not able to match his recent excellent battle performances.

Just as this battle was concluding in walked the almost hirsute Co-Pilot Sean “Griddles” Gridley and Navigator Sonja “Lefty” Talbot. The journey from the outlier settlement of Ipswich had obviously taken some time or they feared of the battle ahead hoping the Crusaders would have gone on their merry way.
Knave John was next up against” Griddles” Gridley which the Co-Pilot took with ease, Knave John lamely claiming he hadn’t been involved in many battles since Christmas and was rather rusty, but he did make “Griddles” work hard in the third game taking it to deuce.

The final member of the Crusaders then appeared. It was none other than Lady Sylvia of the Canyon. Lady Sylvia was known to dabble in the Dark Arts and was a force to be reckoned with. Finally, the scene was set.
The next battle was the all-female affair, which turned out to be, probably, the best battle of the evening. After five gruelling games Lady Sylvia just beat “Lefty” Talbot to take a well-deserved and unexpected victory. Lady Sylvia did admit afterwards to her gang that she had been involved with some ancient incantations just before arriving for the battle and this may have helped. This I noted, to check if it was a legal high.

With both battlefields now in use it was difficult to watch all the action.
The vintage battle between Knave John and “Flash” Gordon resulted in a 3-1 victory for the Crusader. Another tight battle in this tri-annual match-up.
Baron Paul was unable to live up to his number one billing losing in straight sets to all the Vulcan’s crew.
Lady Sylvia continued her majestic way pushing “Griddles” Gridley to 4 sets before succumbing to his experience but then disposing of “Flash” Gordon comfortably in three.

The battle between Knave John and “Lefty” Talbot promised to be a tight affair with “Lefty” taking the first set at deuce but the Knave was unable to contain “Lefty’s” powerful attack losing the next two easily.
The doubles turned out to be the final “Lowering of the Banner” for the Crusaders with the newly formed partnership of Lady Sylvia and Knave John unable to compete with the experience of “Lefty” Talbot and “Griddles” Gridley going down 3-0 with only the second set being a close contest.
I observed that at the end of the battles which left Vulcans 7 – 3 winners that all the contestants appeared to be friendly with each other and offering congratulations to the winners, which was not at all what I was given to expect. It seemed a good time was had by all.
I must speak with my informant!!

Unobtrusively leaving my viewpoint I made my way back to file my somewhat disappointing (for me) report.”

Maybe Sir Jeffrey of Yaxley will have words with me on his return from the snowy crusade and perhaps (hopefully) will never ask me to write another report.
Finally, I would like to say to our friends from Thurston Vulcans, “Live long and prosper”.

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